You Need A Sense Of Humour In Business
Sometimes it's useful to have a good clean joke to tell at a business gathering. People can be tired, bored or simply not know anyone in the room. A good joke can break the ice.
When giving a speech, it's often the only thing people remember!
If it's Monday and you're back at your desk, or Friday and you're getting ready to go, here are a few we hope will make you smile.
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young Oxbridge graduate, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"
The engineer replies, "In the region of £125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks paid holidays, comprehensive health insurance, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Porche?"
The grad sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money." The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You can't do this, I'm a member of parliament!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"
I met a good friend while taking my morning walk. “Hey Jerry, why do you look so down today?”
“Oh Mike, I’m in trouble I need cash for the business and have no idea where to get it from!!”
“Oh I’m sure glad to hear that” I replied. “I was afraid you might think you could borrow it from me!”
A doctor and a solicitor are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the solicitor, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replies the solicitor, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his outgoing mail, he finds a bill from the solicitor.
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the lavatory door and said, "Ticket, please".
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a lavatory and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his lavatory and walked over to the lavatory where the accountants were hiding.
He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."
Before going abroad on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a City bank and asks for an immediate loan of £10,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says.
The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the £10,000.
Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be £10,000 in principal, and £30.80 in interest," the loan officer says.
The man writes out a cheque and starts to walk away. "Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You're a multi-millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow £10,000?"
The man smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in London for two weeks and pay only £30.80?"
The manager of a large office asked a new employee to come into his office. "What is your name?," was the first thing the manager asked. "John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled. "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority," he said. "I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
The manager said, "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you..."
An Essex boy named Trevor moved to Cornwall and bought a donkey from
an old farmer named Ben for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the
donkey the next day.
The next day, Ben drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news.
The donkey died."
"Well, then, just give me the money back," said Trevor.
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already." replied Ben.
"OK, then. Just unload the donkey," said Trevor.
"What are ya going to do with him?" asked Ben.
"I'm going to raffle him off," said Trevor.
"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" spluttered Ben.
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell 'em that he's dead," said Trevor.
A month later Ben met up with the Essex boy and asked, "What happened
with that dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off, like I told ya. I sold 500-hundred tickets at two quid apiece
and made a profit of £898," said Jean Paul.
"Didn't anyone complain?" inquired Ben.
"Just the geezer who won. So I gave him his two quid back,” said Trevor.
A businessman, on his deathbed, called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and post them to HMRC. Write on the envelope, 'Now, you have everything.'"
A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money.
By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for £100 to pay an urgent debt.
The businessman took out his wallet and pressed £100 into the other man’s hand.
Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church.
The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, “And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention….”
A young exec was leaving the office late one evening, when he finds the boss standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,” said the boss, “this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night.
Can you make this thing work for me?”
“Certainly,” the young executive says.
He turns the machine on, inserts the paper, and presses the start button.
“Excellent, excellent!” says the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.
“I just need one copy.”
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.
“I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man.
“To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50/50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.”
The son-in-law interrupted, “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”
“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”
“I hate office work,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”
“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?”
“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”
Fresh out of business college, the young man answered a wanted ad for an accountant job. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
“I need someone with an accounting degree,” the small business owner said. “But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”
“Excuse me?” the accountant said.
“I worry about a lot of things,” the business owner said. “But I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.”
“I see,” the accountant said. “And how much does the job pay?”
“I'll start you at eighty thousand.”
“Eighty thousand pounds!” the accountant exclaimed. “How can such a small business afford a sum like that?”
“That,” the business owner said, “is your first worry.”
An elderly farmer wrote to a mail-order company: “Please send me one of those mowers you show on page 478, and if it’s any good, I'll send you a cheque.”
In a short time he received the following reply: “Please send cheque. If it’s any good, we’ll send the mower.”
Interviewer to job applicant: “Do you think you could come up with any reason you want this job other than your parents want you out of their house?”
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own
opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and
announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.'
The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign
of all over his own shop. It read: 'MAIN ENTRANCE'.
Many years ago, a large American shoe company sent two sales representatives out to different parts of the Australian outback to see if they could drum up some business among the Aborigines.
Some time later, the company received telegrams from both agents.
The first said, "No business here... natives don't wear shoes."
The second one said, "Great opportunity here... natives don't wear shoes!"
And lastly ...
A young businessman had just started his own firm.
He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Hoping to look like a hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he was working on a big, important business deal.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”
The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”
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